Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
me + whiskey = a bad person
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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