I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
