she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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