It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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