oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
