This dress was meant to end up on your floor
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
