She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
