You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I need to align my fucking chakras
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
