I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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