Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
