the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
