mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
