YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
