go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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