I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
