YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
