you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
