i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
His hands were made for my vagina.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
