Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
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Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
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While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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