im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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