I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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