I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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