im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
