I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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