You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
