Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
