how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize