I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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