last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
