I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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