rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
