found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
