that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
