How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
