If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
