Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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