I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
