So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
