so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
