We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
