I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
