Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
