what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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