Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
