Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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