I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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