I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I can't put those talents on a resume
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Randomize
