There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
false alarm, still single
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
