Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
