just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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