also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
We need a shit load of segways right now
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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