Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
