We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
