If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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