he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
