Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
